hello darkness my old friend

Logging into this website felt like unearthing a time capsule from fifty years ago; kind of weird and cringeworthy, but also warm and nostalgic at the same time. Except it hasn't been fifty years really; it's only been three. Three years since I last opened this box of...whatever it is thats in here. I'm not really sure what made me log back on, and write this (seemingly pointless) post at 2:17 AM on a Saturday. I guess its the guilt of feeling like I abandoned this space? Yes yes, classic KD problem, feeling guilty because I'm 'letting down' inanimate objects like blogs and cars and old lanyards. Somehow, three years later, I still haven't seen a shrink. 

Anyway, to remedy my self-inflicted guilt, I'm occasionally going to resurface on this here platform (we are midwest southerners now thank you) and if anyone remembers this exists, which is thankfully unlikely, they're more than welcome to 'come and join the joyride'...I need to stop binge watching youtube..

It's funny how this post is titled 'hello darkness my old friend' cuz like, thinking of this blog in 2019 makes me want to die, but back then, I was one optimistic little shit head, wasn't I? And God was I preachy! NGL, kinda wanna hit old-KD on the head with a frying pan. Like dude calm the fuck down and let people be sad. Have I gotten more cynical now? Perhaps. Or maybe I'm just more levelheaded and realistic now. I am 3000% a nihilist, but an optimistic one. Nihilism can be comforting, if you let it. 

You should know by know, if you're still with me, that this entire post has absolutely no purpose, meaning or direction. I'm just writing for the sake of writing. Because I can't sleep. And because my mind won't shut up and turn off for a little while. So anything that I write here today, right now, is just me indulging myself in a good old fashioned Internet Rant™. Therefore proceed at your own caution. Violators will be prosecuted and prosecutors will be shot. Thank you. 

So anywaaaaayyyyy. You know whats weird? For a brief amount of time, while I was 'seriously' blogging, I got very into the whole PR thing, and this PR firm would send me stuff to post about, and so one of my posts, a post about lawn (something I knew -300 about) was like that. So anyway it was a really half-assed post (cuz ya gurl had zero knowledge) and honestly, not even that fun to read. But for SOME reason. That post is getting comments? In 2018? In 2019???? Literally a month ago. And they're all weird cloth wholesaler type dudes, which makes me think its probably spam. But still. It's so weird. I was very weirded out. Have I mentioned it was weird? 

Meandering bakwaas aside, I feel like a personal update is also due, for whatever purpose. So here is your update, friend: I am now 23, I graduated this May and am now back home where I watch unhealthy amounts of YouTube all day. Other than that I force my dog to wear socks and headbands only because he looks adorable in them and not because I am a cruel cruel monster. 

I still do photography, very much so (instagram is still @khadijasayshi); in fact I even post to YouTube now occasionally. I got into music, weirdly enough, and now I am struggling to teach myself how to produce music LOL. The music thing was a real oddball for me, because never did I ever imagine I'd get to do half the stuff I've done (musically), and somehow I did it...albeit in a very anxiety-ridden, noob-ish way. Better noob-ish than boob-ish, amirite. Ok sorry. 

I don't want to talk too much about what the future holds or what I want it to hold, because real talk, that shit scares me very much. So I like to not think about it too much, and kind of just go with the flow. Very Sagittarius Moon of me. Oh yeah, I calculated my birth chart and got very into astrology. Just for funzies though. Don't fucking @ me. 

Idk man, I'm just zoning in and out of consciousness. Now I'm quoting Drake. I feel like I've grown a lot, and there's been a lot of improvement in a lot of aspects. But MAN is there still a long way to go. There's a lot still to uncover and understand, and I hope I can do it without hurting the people that I love. 

ok das it kd out luv u byeeee <3